Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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