Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
