Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
