I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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