based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
