Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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