I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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