I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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