Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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