Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
