Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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