my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
