I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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