guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize