I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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