You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
