Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
