I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
