We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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