Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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