I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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