im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
