Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
