dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
