I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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