I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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