Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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