I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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