Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
