I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
