Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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