Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
