What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize