Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
