checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
