I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
