i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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