so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
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i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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