some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
