He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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