Little spoons don't ask big questions
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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