So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
