In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize