Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
