Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
