Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
