yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
