Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
