You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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