just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
