everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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