new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
