im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
