Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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porn star boner night. come get it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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