then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
