so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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