when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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