So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
