Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
